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Winged Elysium

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(3 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

[27 Nov 2009|07:17am]
Have an opening in the apartment. Rent is about 150/month and pitching in for National Grid and internet/cable. Anyone interested?

(8 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

[29 Jan 2008|09:15am]
Hmm. "Unofficially dating". What exactly does that mean anyway? Friends with benefits? Fuck-buddies? Or just what it says: all the actual motions of dating, and just know one knowing?

I'm not so sure how I feel about it...in some ways, it makes me feel kind of...dirty. Knowing that I can sleep with someone that I care about, but knowing that I don't have a right towards any expectations. I can't say "I love you" and expect the words to be returned. I can't kiss and expect that the kiss will go both ways.

I'm happy that I get to have the one I care about in my life...but when exes are brought up, I have no right to question them. A glorified best friend? That may be all that I am. But even then, I don't regret a single action. Maybe I really am a horrible person.

(Look into the watery mirror...)

[21 Jan 2008|09:07am]
I'm trying to be mature about the whole thing...I really am.

Now that the one that I love is with someone else, and I know the truth...



I smothered him, didn't give him the space that he needed. And for someone who deals with so many other people's emotions, he needed someone stronger, and my feelings were just too overwhelming for him to handle.


I'm grateful for whoever can make him happy, I am. I love him enough that I want him to be happy. But I'd be a liar if I said it didn't hurt...I have his friendship. So he won't truly be leaving my life.

And I'll try to continue on, loving everyone as I can, taking care of the ones that I care about, being everyone's hug to comfort and ear to listen. Although I do wonder if I can ever let anyone love me again. In that way at least.

I do want to be stronger. Not for him. I know that unless what he needs changes, I'll never be the one for him. But I need to learn how to control my emotions better.


I can still laugh and smile, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt like hell...or if I said I didn't feel empty.

[12 Jan 2008|10:32pm]
A friend of mine once commented that I was prone to depression and suicidal thoughts. I shame myself for them. I hate myself now for ever once *considering* it. For no reason, there have been times when I would feel the urge to swerve into traffic. I would never do it. Couldn't bring myself to.


And now, I know why.



Suicide is the most horrifying thing in existence. I've never known anyone who's taken their own life...not first hand. Yet, now, I have first-hand experienced the terror of watching someone who has known that person.

Suicide is the most cowardly and disrespectful action there is. I feel no pity, no respect...they are hateful creatures, those that take the easy way out.



I hate them.

(1 Indigo reflection | Look into the watery mirror...)

[25 Dec 2007|08:36am]
[ mood | content ]

Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays


*hugs all around*

(4 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

[22 Oct 2007|09:14am]
[ mood | pensive ]

For those who may not have known, a little over a month ago, Mike and I (in essence) broke up to strengthen the foundation of our friendship. I can understand that the relationship needed this in order to survive, however, I can't deny that I feel like I've been dying inside for these past weeks. Don't get me wrong, very little has changed between us; I still visit his house every other day or see, see him at school, hug him, and even occasionally kiss him, but that's beside the point.


The point is this: after talking with one of his closest friends, she stated that she *knew* that he'd never find with someone else what he had with me, and that I needed to stop letting the path run its course. I understand that. But the problem is that anyone who knows me knows that I'm a doormat (in not so many words). I have something to fight for, and I have the support and encouragement to fight for it, but how?

How does one fight to get someone back without driving that person further away?

I'm trying to use my actions, to push away the bitterness and hurt that I feel, I'm trying to walk with my head high and stay strong, but how do I show him that he belongs here, with me? Am I supposed to just keep doing what I'm doing? Continue to be there for him and continue to communicate him? Do I just ignore the tension and the space that I feel between us and continue to plow on? Do I stay silent even though it's harder to stay that way than to say the words "I love you?"

Mike is someone--the only one for me--worth fighting for...I just need advice on how to keep fighting.

(2 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

[31 Aug 2007|09:07pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Need people to join my rpg. http://z13.invisionfree.com/Illuminati_Circle/index.php

Any takers?

(1 Indigo reflection | Look into the watery mirror...)

"After the rain...." [18 Jul 2007|09:29am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

---------------------RED-----------------------

1. Closest red thing to you?: My shirt
2. Last thing to make you angry?: Some idiot that I had to talk to at work
3. Do you have a temper?: Occasionally
4. Are you a fan of romance?: <3

-------------------ORANGE-------------------

1. Closest orange thing to you?: Um, the Ichigo's hair on my Bleach wall scroll?
2. Do you like to burn things?: Who doesn't?
3. Dress up for Halloween?: I try to. :)
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person?:Indeed
5. Do you have anything against redheaded people?: Until I met Kristy, lol
6. Are you usually full of energy?: ...Not usually.

-------------------YELLOW-------------------

1. Closest yellow thing to you?: My container of bleach wipes
2. The happiest time[s] of your life?: When I feel loved and appreciated
3. Favorite holiday?: Don't have one
4. Are you a coward?: >_> Probably
5. Do you burn or tan?: I used to tan..now I burn.

-------------------GREEN-------------------

1. Closest green thing to you?: My shampoo bottle
2. Do you care about the environment?: I suppose
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?: A little, perhaps
4. Are you a lucky person?: Half and half. :P
5. Do you always want what you can't have?: I try not to want what I can't have....but sometimes that doesn't stop my from working to get it.
6. Do you like being outdoors?: Not really.
7. Are you Irish?: Dunno

-------------------BLUE-------------------

1. Closest blue thing to you?: The shirt on my stuffed puppy
2. Are you good at calming people down?: If it's not my mother, then yes, lol.
3. Do you like the sea?: I love it.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry?: Hmm....I think I was frustrated at certain circumstances...
5. Are you a logical thinker?: Relatively.
6. Can you sleep easily?: Depends on how tired I am, and how many thoughts I have to occupy my mind.

---------------------PURPLE-------------------

1. Last purple thing you saw?: My post-it pad.
2. Like being treated to expensive things?: I'm a girl, of course I do. :P But I still feel bad afterwards, so I do try to chip in if possible.
3. Do you like mysterious people?: I think I used to be the "mysterious person".
4. Favorite type of chocolate?: Dark.
5. Ever met anyone in royalty?: Hmmmm
6. Are you creative?: Usually. >_<

------------------PINK-------------------

1. Closest pink thing to you?: The edging on my shirt
2. Do you like sweet things?: Yes. ^^
3. Like play-fighting?: Eh, not really. I'm a lover, not a fighter
4. Are you sensitive?: Yes. Y_Y
5. Do you like music?: Of course

-------------------WHITE-------------------

1. Closest white thing to you?: My fleece blanket
2. Would you say you're innocent?: Hahaha, yes.
3. Good at keeping the peace?: I certainly try
4. How do you imagine your wedding?: I don't. :p
5. Do you like to play in the snow?: Nope
6. Are you afraid of going to the doctors or dentist?: Dislike them both

-------------------BLACK-------------------

1. Closest black thing to you?: My television remote
2. Ever enjoy hurting people?: Hardly
3. Are you sophisticated or silly?:Depends on the surroundings and who I'm with.
4. Would you like to go to space?: I'd love to go to space.
5. Do you have a lot of secrets?: *shrug*
6. What is your favorite color?: Blue
7. Does the color you wear affect your mood?: It used to. Haha

-------------------------------------------

(3 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

I have a problem... [09 Jun 2007|12:43pm]
Currently, I'm trying to find an apartment. However, living alone is way too expensive, and the roommates that I was going to live with...well, it's three guys, and I don't think anyone would rent to the four of us.

So, I'm trying to find someone to live with...and hopefully someone that I won't drive insane/won't drive me insane. Anyone have any suggestions?

I was going to live with Mike, but it's probably not the best idea for just the two of us. >_< I trust him, but I don't want us to start hating each other.

So yeah, looking for someone easygoing, reliable, and who doesn't mind the fact that I hate cleaning. :P

(Look into the watery mirror...)

Damn [06 Jun 2007|09:21am]
[ mood | Bugger All ]

I miss everyone.


Sorry for not being on for a while. Things have been crazy, but I finally have teh internets again. Except.....it's dial up. /noeeees

But yeah. Basically, my weeks have become work, home, work, home, work, home, anime, the occasional visit with Mike on my day off, and hating mother.

Yeah. The mother situation has changed. It's gotten worse. She kindly informed me this morning that I HAVE to be home and that I'm not allowed to go out after work from Monday to Thursday. Great. Just great, really. Even though I pay rent. Even though I was worried sick about Mike last night. Could I stop by and see him once I got out of work? Nope. I had to home or face having her rip me a new ass. I gotta get an apartment. And soon. I know I said by my birthday, but I think that's just been moved up to...maybe a month at most. I can't keep living here where I pay rent and still feel like I'm being trampled for no good reason. Seriously...doesn't rent=freedom?

*shrug* Anyway, so that's the basic scoop. Hopefully I can start seeing people (other than work people) again soon.

Ahaha, I almost added my work comment label onto my post. Aschmidt/uti/bl

(Look into the watery mirror...)

Home [02 Mar 2007|01:13pm]
Today's my last day, here at RIT. I've been doing laundry and packing in a whirlwind, before my last final at 2:45. *And afterwards, I'll be doing the same thing all over again, in hopes that I'll get some sleep before my parents get here tomorrow morning.

This is the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Ever. Including graduations, fights with the family, the surgery, breakups. I only wanted one thing in regards to my education. Just one: to go to RIT and graduate with a Bachelor's degree in art, something that I love. Well...something that I used to love.

I found out the hard way though. To go to school for art, you have to be unique, better than everyone else, and be able to take criticism well. Even when the teachers say that your work is horrible. You have to be able to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and turn around to show them something infinitely better. I don't have that ability. So I'm leaving. For that reason, and the fact that I can't afford to stay. It's hard, knowing that I had something amazing in my hands, but I couldn't stick it out and fight for the one thing I wanted. I gave up.

And now, I'm going back to the one place that makes me more miserable than anywhere else.


So, I'm posting this to let everyone know that I probably won't be online for a long time. There's still no internet at my house, and when there is, I'm still going to be paying for it. So it's just as well that I do without it for a while, as much as that sucks. If you need to get a hold of me, my cell number is still the same. Otherwise, just leave me alone.

So much for good things.

(Look into the watery mirror...)

"Even if we part, our hands are still linked..." [30 Jan 2007|05:28pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I suppose I've had an update due for a while, and the thought has been rolling around in my head. Alas, art students must sell their souls to Satan to have enough time and money to get through college. >_<

But yeah. Christmas came and went. Nothing exciting. New Years came and went, and for the first time in my life, I was able to kiss someone that I loved at midnight. Of course, I could have done with some alone time, but whatever. You can't have everything. Or in some cases, you just get screwed no matter what you do. *shrug*

Anywho. Back at school, and my sleep schedule is wrong. I can't get to sleep before 3am these days, and when I wake up, it feels like I haven't slept at all. The lack of sun and the cold is taking its toll. And at times, I don't want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be anywhere near CNY either. As far as I'm concerned, my ties are cut from there...well, with few exceptions. You know who you are.

I'm glad to have gotten back in touch with Jordan, and it's nice to know that he and I can talk about things like we haven't done in over two years. I might have tried, but I never really hated him. And I'm glad that I didn't. :)

I'm still trying to deal with the distance. It's hard for someone like me. I'm not strong, and I have more moments of weakness than I like to admit.

I wish I was stronger. And less selfish. But I'm not. So all that I can do is grow to understand who I am, regardless of what I find.

I'm not the same person that I used to be. But still, I want to be quieter, and more introspective. Something to work on for the coming year. I don't want to be as open as I used to be. I need to learn to guard myself better. That's the only way that I won't repeat past mistakes.

Till the next time.

All is right in the world.

(Look into the watery mirror...)

HELLLLLL [12 Jan 2007|12:15am]

Rednecks, Republicans
Circle I Limbo

People who pronounce Inuyasha as Inyu-asha
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

People who sing offkey
Circle IV Rolling Weights

George Bush, Physics
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Cramps
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Ignorant, close-minded bastards, Sorority Girls
Circle VII Burning Sands

Professor Scully
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

My mother
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

(Look into the watery mirror...)

Winter Vacation [21 Dec 2006|04:28pm]
All right, people. I'm leaving for home tomorrow, so you know the drill. No internet, so if you need to get a hold of me, call the cell: 315-4*4-7821.


Also, my car is out of commission. It died the day I left to come back to school. So if you want me to go anywhere, I *WILL* need a ride, otherwise, I am stuck at home.


So yeah. Catch y'all later.

(3 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

Communism: It's a party. [14 Dec 2006|09:49pm]
[ mood | Content ]

So, yeah...I'm at RIT till probably next Saturday, when I will find myself back home for teh holidays. Ugh. Shoot me now.


When I go home now, it's so weird, as though I don't belong there. I don't belong here, I don't belong there...so where the hell do I belong? Mind you, I *want* to go home, if only for the fact that Mike is there. But even then, I don't know what's going to happen, since my car literally died. >_<

Anywho. Apparently I really did lose all of my "Christmas spirit" a few years ago. Not to say that I hate it or anything equally Grinch-like. I don't really have any opinion of it now. It's just another day that I'm forced into seeing a family that I'm not really part of. --_--;; But, what's a girl to do, I suppose? Not much *to* do, except deal with it.

I've been horrible about posting and updating, and for that, I'm sorry. The first quarter came and went, pretty uneventfully beyond Mike's departure at the end. I'm still struggling with not having him here...This is the first time we've been so far apart for so long. But after looking deeply into myself, I find myself bound to him tightly, and I know that I will fight tooth and nail to hold onto him. :) So yeah...my grades were decent: not one below a B.

This quarter, I made sure to pack my schedule as tightly as I could, if not so I didn't have to stop and think about being alone here, then because if I don't, I'll probably have to stay an extra quarter (I may have to anyway, but I'll try my damndest to not have to...) So yeah. This quarter is quite enjoyable, since I managed to fit both Japanese and Massage Therapy in. ^^ And found out (no surprise to me, lol) that my back was ridiculously like a brick wall, when I asked my Massage teacher to have a look at it. I was hoping he could help me out with my migraines, but that could very well be a part of it....fucking boobs. >_< lol

So, that's a lot of what's been going on. When I'm not in class, I'm doing homework, talking to my million-miles-away friends, or slowly easing into online games, lol. If only I had the freedom at home that I have here....life would be so much easier. Haha. But that's probably wayyyy too much to ask, so I deal with it.

And I'm starting to realize that time has really changed me. I was very shy a long time ago, and for a while, I came out of that shell....but now, I find myself retreating again. Not that I mind...I rather like being more soft-spoken and observant; it suits me better. And I find that I have become more reflective about past experiences--especially things that I once regretted or missed, and people I once held a grudge to. Now, much of those things are unnecessary and almost foolish. There is no point in hating what might have happened in the past. Now that I think about it, I have struck up a renewed friendship--a real one--with Jordan, I have forgiven Eddie and Matt for wrongs that I once thought they had committed against me...and I no longer resent Alex for what happened. Why is that? Why can I look past all that happened, all those times I was hurt, and forgive so easily? Perhaps I have reached a revelation of sorts. I'd like to think that I have...because for a while, I had a hard time believing that I was nearing maturity...that I was growing up gracefully, and that there was something unique about myself. And now...there is a patience that I don't think was there before. And I'm learning to see things that I like within myself. Perhaps there is hope for me yet. :)

I think that sums up the extent of my life in the past few weeks.

And with that, I shall conclude my monologue. *bows*

(2 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

So [14 Nov 2006|03:38pm]
Okay, if anyone cares or wants to hang out, I'll be back in town on Thursday night for two weeks. I will be without the internet, so you'd have to call my cell phone and pray that I have enough minutes to talk.

Planning on visiting MV on Monday, and probably a visit to WCV at some point too.

(2 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

[10 Nov 2006|12:19am]
Comment for a letter...then post 10 things you like that begin with that letter. :D

Jenn gave me a C

1. Cats
2. Chains
3. Charcoal
4. Clouds
5. Candy
6. Corvettes
7. Canadian Pirate
8. Celtic Knots
9. Cold pizza for breakfast/cold salt potatoes for a midnight snack
10. Chick flicks

(2 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

Yarrrr [19 Sep 2006|07:38am]
Happy Talk Like A Pirate day. ^^

(2 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

Well, well.... [01 Sep 2006|08:01pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Here I am in Rochester. They've soooo put me on the wrong floor, lol. But that's okay. I'll make it through.


More to come later. I'm trying to decide if I'm too lazy to go for a stroll around campus. :P

(5 Indigo reflections | Look into the watery mirror...)

It's official, I guess. [21 Aug 2006|06:31am]
I'm not a teenager anymore.


A shout out to everyone who remembered my birthday yesterday. I love you guys.

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